Been awhile - back to blogging

It's been a bit.

I recently had a falling out with a friend over DD / TIH / that thing we do... whatever you want to call it.

I never planned on this friend finding out about Thom and I because I knew she was a little over the top, a very feminist kind of girl, but someone who I used to identify with so well... and now not so much.

She found out about our lifestyle and of course was outraged.
She said I needed to leave, take my kids and go... she went all out.

She really just wouldn't listen to what I had to say and it ended with me siding with my husband of course and she and I no longer speaking.

Afterwards, I began to feel kind of weird, almost silly and stupid for practicing DD.
I was questioning myself and why we were doing what we did.

We talked a lot about it and I even re read all my blogs. It helped a bit.

I have not questioned it as much as I did over the past few weeks.

"HOW can this be something you want"? she asked me..

I just couldn't explain it to her.  It's almost like now I need it. I need it to deal with and handle my feelings. It's my release and it's how we can connect at times.

"What could you possible gain from this"? she had also asked...

Well, that one I thought a lot about. Sure I can talk up how great it is, but did it really HELP.. has it helped?
For one thing I can see a change in my husband. He has become more confidant, and to this I could see her saying "How can he be more confidant? because he beats his wife"?

No.... it's SO not like that.

It's more than that.
It's about taking charge of a situation, taking charge of me, taking charge of our family and making sure we are all ok and honestly... making sure we feel loved and cared for.

Him stepping up and learning to read me, and to know my needs (and if and when and how to spank me) has challenged him and made him more aware of me and from that we have grown SO close. I really just can't describe it, but I know that when I'm lost, he is my rock and I can not even begin to explain how comfortable that makes me feel inside.

I know our marriage is for the long road because of this.

How else is he confidant? I think just getting through starting DD/ TIH made him come out of his shell. getting over those few few bumps was tough, but he became more assertive in daily life, not just with me.

The difference in our girls is amazing to.
Daddy is seen in a different light now and also, seeing "daddy and mommy" loving one another has also impacted them for the good not to mention we fight less than ever because he knows when to "take me in hand" so to say.

These past few weeks have been hard for me, but I'm glad I got through it and realized not to doubt WHO we are and what we are doing.

I've read many other blogs out there of other happy couples doing this too and writing this gave me the final push to erase any doubt I felt after my argument with my friend.

I can only hope one day we can talk more openly about this all and I can share with her that I AM happy and NOT hurt or abused.


Oh, I also wanted to mention a wonderful blog post about beginning this all.
I hope it's ok to link. I have read a ton of blogs and I really liked this post:
Knowing your Roles - In the beginning

I felt a bit of the same way a bit, and it is always interesting to see how couples begin this crazy journey!

Tension

Tension.

I hate tension in the household.

Thankfully, wether it's welcomed or not (spankings that it), living in a dd / tih marriage seems to keep tension at bay.
This weekend however was tension and not at bay for me.

I'm not sure how it started, well, I guess I have to be honest when I say I know how it started. It starts when I hold back things, thought and feelings.
I was feeling moody, and or had felt moody a bit towards Thom.
He'd been busy at work, then was sitting around reading his nook most of the night Friday and I was tending to kids.
I don't know if I was feeling sorry for myself, but whatever it was I was getting deeper and deeper into my cloud. We both went to bed and got up for church with mild little bickering here and there and by late afternoon, it was obvious.

The tension.
Thom felt it, I felt it but I think I was ignoring it.
What is the cure for the tension that isn't talked about and turns into a slightly moody wife? A few warnings and then BAM! it's taken care of. Nipped in the bud as he likes to say.


As much as I hate to admit it, I feel better now, there is no longer tension in the house or in me.

Why can't I see myself get into these clouds? (he asked me this) moreover, why can't I just talk to him before it turns into the ugly gray cloud (he call it that, my ugly gray cloud)

I think the warnings and the spanking are; one to pull me out of the cloud, and two to remind me of what I should have done in the first place - talk about it so it doesn't get bad enough to get to a spanking.
I do know better, but I let myself get into these things so easily. It also doesn't happen as often as it used to, so maybe something is working in that area.

I was thinking about all the things I've been spanked for. I can honestly think that it's one of a few reasons and always seems to be those things (as we do not practice maintenance spankings here - I don't even know if he knows about that. I don't think he would want to do that as he has a small issue with really saying he is HOH and that I need reminded of that by weekly sessions)

Most of the time it's been for breaking me out of the cloud, sometimes it's been for just having a nasty attitude and being disrespectful (maybe even being bratty), and only a few times has it been for the silly things - the straightener in the sink, the lost drivers license (times 4!), for leaving my ATM card in the machine and then not having it while I was out with 4 kids and a full cart at the store and once for messing around with something he directly said not to (cables for the computer) and doing it anyways then messing up a bunch of stuff... those are always lighter spankings and more swats with a brush.

Whatever it is, I can't put my finger on it, but it actually works. I don't know if it's a release for me or him sometimes.

Being submissive and some stories...

I've had a lot of thoughts from the outside once I started looking around at blogs on DD / Taken Hand. One of the things that was the biggest change for me was WHY I wanted to, or HOW could I become Submissive to my Husband.

I'm a strong girl, I can live alone and have done so in the past. I KNOW I can take care of myself. I'm intelligent and proud, so WHY on earth would I want to submit to anyone?

Well, that's a good question.
First off, it's already established that I knew inside that I was a strong person and could do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself, but deep inside me was a person who WANTED to be cared for, not just an equal partner in a relationship.
I had a primitive urge to depend on someone at an emotional level and once I found that someone, a person whom I love with all my heart, I longed for him to take charge and become "my man".


While my Husband isn't the most take charge guy, he did grow personally once I began submitting to his control.
Since I already knew I could control myself and BE in control, it was almost easy to control stepping back and letting HIM be in control and gain confidence in himself.

His new found confidence almost immediately and that made me attracted to him more than I ever had been! It's been a beautiful thing to see him in that light.

Me being submissive was sort of a gift to myself and to my Husband. I guess it's kind of hard to explain, but I can say I honestly believe that BOTH parties get something out of the relationship.


I have two stories. One is about two people who were arguing and came to a conclusion about a DD type relationship by themselves.


A couple had been fighting for awhile and finally the man had said "Why do we do this? What can I do when I tell you I've had enough, but you still continue to push it and argue more?

The woman responds with "what do you WANT to do?"

The man thought about it for a second and said "Seriously, sometimes I want to just beat your ass!" and to that she replied "Well, then do it!" thinking that he wouldn't, BUT with that (her suggestion and possible submissive attitude) he tossed her onto the couch and began to swat her as hard as he could. He continued to do so until he could almost FEEL her becoming submissive to him. He felt her anger and rage dissolving.

He then held her as she cried and felt bad for what he had done, but much to his surprise, she clung to him, tightly and said "Thank you!"

Something clicked between them.

What once would have been a several day fight, tension and bickering, was taken care of in one moment. No more mind games, ignoring or guilt trips.

She had stepped over the line, pushed and the man had pushed back. Both were left feeling that the problem had ended and the lines of communication were more open. What was more important was that each person realized what needed to be done, acted on it and resolved it with love. YES love.

No one can really explain the dynamic that this type of relationship can create unless you maybe live in it, but there is a lot to be said for it. *(this story is a vague description of something that a friend described as they found their way into this type of relationship on their own.. never reading blogs before or knowing anyone call this anything - LOL.. who knew it could be human nature?)*


One more quick story - 

We were out at Subway getting a sub to take home.
I hear this very annoying woman being very nasty with her Husband when he came to the table with their food.

"Where is the side of dressing? she said "I wanted it on the side.... God Frank! can't you do anything right, didn't you even tell her I wanted it on the side?" She said this as her kids began to open their subs and eat.
"Frank" just stood there and took her nasty words, he mumbled something and went back to get her dressing.
As we waited in line we overheard several other things she complained to him about, including his faults for something that he left at work, and even had remarked to the kids about "daddy" being forgetful.
It's funny when you hear these things.. I can think only that it could have been ME back there... I know I used to treat Thom in a much less respectful manner before.

The funny part was that upon hearing this woman, we just smiled at each other and Thom said to me "Looks like SOMEONE needs a good spanking!" Ha ha! I bet that poor man wishes he could.

I left feeling bad for poor ol "Frank". I held my husbands hand as we left and thought about how lucky we were, like we knew some kind of little secret.

Regular old blogging

I felt like writing a normal blog today, more of an "in the present kind" of blog instead of our journey.

Today was a first for me.
A swatting for something trivial or so I thought (but Thom didn't think so).

For years (seriously years) I have always gotten ready in the bathroom in front of the sink. I dry my hair there and use my straightener there.
I'd have to say about 5 times out of 10 I put away my stuff when I'm done. If the straightener is still hot and I'm in a rush, I leave it in the sink. I unplug it and leave it there as to not burn anything.

This drives Thom NUTS!
He has told me over 100 times to get that out of the sink and put it away ASAP.
So yesterday, he was hanging up a mirror in the upstairs hallway and it slipped out of his hands and ended up cutting his forearm. He rushed into our bathroom and held his arm in the sink and ran water on it.
I think you can guess what was IN the sink.
My straightener!

"Sunny!" he yelled. "Get up here now!"

I came upstairs to find him holding a towel to his arm and him pointing in the sink. There was my straightener with bloody water on it.
"You are getting spanked for that, I've told you a thousand times to put that stuff away and this is exactly a reason why!"

Oh no I though... Oh yes he thought, and over the sink I was put for several swats.

Guess who will be remembering to put their things away from now on. ME!

 I can't believe I wrote a post about how we don't use punishments for little things, and how we had only used them for major problems.. I guess that's how these things progress though. I can say our list of rules and such has grown quite a lot over the years.

The ins and outs

The most important thing people wonder is WHY? Why would a husband spank their wife and why would a wife allow it?
Those are simple questions that have deep roots.
I have seen a post and wanted to share parts of it that I thought stood out as far as these questions go. For many people, spanking not only makes them accountable for their actions and helps correct them, it's also about letting go of emotional baggage that clutter many women's heads.

"First, men have been spanking women since before recorded history. Although a totally abhorrent to the politically correct, the practice is probably among the earliest of fertility rituals. Depending on intensity and duration, spanking can run the gamut from exercise in relaxation to punishment.
Most probably, the male urge to spank and the female urge to be spanked are in the genes. It is nature's way of seducing couples to procreate and have a stable environment in which to raise their young. In fighting their respective urges - or worse, denying it exists - men and women are likely to become frustrated and even angry and the internal conflict escalates.

This does not mean that everyone has to run out and try to repopulate the world. However, understood within in the context - when the human reproductive rate had to be perhaps four times what it is now for humans to survive as a species - spanking as both a fertility ritual and nest-building exercise helps us to understand the deep urges. It also helps explain why many women marry the man who finally spanks them.

At some point, every man wonders how the woman in his life would react if he spanked her and every woman wonders how the man would do it if he did. It is a normal, although deep-seated, curiosity.
Consequently, even a first spanking does not have to be an artificially contrived event. Men and women in love often assume their natural roles in non spanking situations.

The bottom line is that couples have discovered spanking on their own. It is not something that has to be - or even should be - an overblown big production. Spanking is not theater. It is a highly personal and sometimes necessary component of a healthy relationship.


If it is important enough to justify a spanking, it is important enough to take the time necessary to accomplish the task.  I am a firm believer that first spankings should have decisive outcomes.
 

At its core, spanking is a form of nonverbal communication. Counting and clock watching during a spanking makes about as much sense as limiting an important discussion to five minutes or twenty-five words.

The two humps to be crossed during a first spanking are usually embarrassment over needing to be spanked like a child and anger arising from actually being spanked. While they may diminish over time, the venting can be quite pronounced the first time.
One strategy is to allow the woman to vent her feelings beforehand. Listen to all the objections, all the excuses. Even tolerate little white lies. Let her says everything she has to say, knowing at the end, she is going to get a spanking. For once a woman sees herself spanked, in her own mind, the rest is merely going through the motions.

When it comes to the actual spanking, a woman's embarrassment is more easily dealt with than her rage. Even if she has never been spanked in her life, or claims that her father never pulled her pants down when he spanked her, there is an instinctive understanding that loss of protective clothing is usually a given.

However, a frustrated woman's raging anger while she is being spanked may be something for which a man may be totally unprepared once a woman begins to lose her grip on the protection of a tightly held mystique. It is also something from which he should learn about her inner thoughts and motives.
A first spanking should never be ended when a woman is in a mid-stream of anger. It will breed the same resentment as building a woman to orgasm and leaving her hanging. In many cases, especially as women marry at a later age and have more partners, women come into a relationship with a ton of emotional and psychological baggage that needs to be offloaded of the marriage is to survive.
when it comes time for that first post-marital spanking - and in almost every relationship between a man and a woman, there will be that time - both parties sense that something needs to be done to break the a deadlock or power struggle. 

 

While it comes as a surprise to most men, women are often the ones to perceive spanking as a viable option before the man becomes aware of the potentially effective solution. As one un spanked wife and mother admitted, "I have to admit that it [getting bare bottom spankings from her husband] would improve things."

Although there are many times when thorough preliminary discussions are possible - and desirable - by the time the relationship reaches some impasse over some unresolved issue, sometimes discussion is not as complete as it might otherwise be. A surprising number of first spankings in successful relationships seem to be more impulsive rather than meticulously planned ahead of time.

The good news is that, within the context of a functional marriage, much of the meaningful communication - consisting of looks, body language, and the like - is nonverbal. Even in abbreviated or abridged verbal communication, silences and intonations can speak volumes.

When couples arrive at a potential roadblock in their life together, it is often because some impediment to the relationship needs to be removed before they can get on with their life. It is at this point that the man needs to examine himself to determine whether or not he is not the source of the difficulty rather than the woman. 

Under the right circumstances, a woman refusing to discuss a situation may be saying that she needs a spanking as much as the woman who throws a tantrum more befitting a two-year-old. Silence and coldness in a woman are, likewise, languages that a man needs to understand as emotional blockages to be removed through spanking. 

Once a woman is made to cry, release of mental garbage soon follows. 

It is important to understand that spanking is more about reaching a woman's mind than it is about taking her clothes off and positioning her body. The woman for whom accumulated guilt constitutes an emotional ball and chain may, even subconsciously, seek out a lover capable of taking her in hand.

When burdened by emotional baggage, psychological frustration, or overwhelming guilt, a woman is not so much concerned with the particulars as the result. This is why, unless there is some compelling reason to do so, women seldom offer specific details of their experiences. Merely to admit, "We had a very unpleasant discussion about my behavior," says it all.

Bring a woman to non-sexual climax - a release - as the result of a spanking is quite similar to bringing her to orgasm sexually. It has more to do with the man's understanding the woman and his timing than in the mechanics of the act.

Spanking is a seduction in which time and trust are more important than brute strength. Often, the goal is to finesse an emotional release from guilt or other emotional baggage that is not otherwise possible. A common intent is to stabilize the relationship rather than to punish any offense.

The physical act of spanking a woman is deceptively simple. Any fool can do it. The trick is to make her respect him for doing it the first time and expect him to do it again under similar circumstances. Although he does not have to be gentle with her, she does have to know that he cares.

Still learning!

A wonderful thing happened when we began to get into the swing of things with Taken in Hand / TTWD / DD relationship.
Our whole household changed and for the better.
To some it may seem completely sexist for me to say it, but our own children noticed that change right away when "Daddy" started enforcing the rules too.
 Usually it was a "mommy" thing to do. We both ruled the home, but I think sometimes the kids just naturally responded and came to me with issues.
The kids literally saw ME as the boss most of the time. It took some time, but now everyone knows that Dad can enforce the rules and that HE can be boss too. One of the best things is we do it together, but it's NOT "mommy" overpowering "daddy" and the kids see a more healthy relationship.

So I wanted to share some articles for guys wanting or interested in Taking the wife in Hand.

The first are some good beginner things for men:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/what-is-domestic-discipline.html

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/welcome-to-learning-domestic-discipline.html

http://www.takeninhand.com/husbands.getting.started.at.taking.charge

http://www.takeninhand.com/advice.for.husbands.beginning.to.take.charge.in.their.marriage


http://www.takeninhand.com/if.you.want.your.wife.to.give.you.respect.give.her.love

http://www.takeninhand.com/what.women.want

And...... The big one! (The one no one can believe)
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/punishment-3-beginner-level-spankings.html

http://www.takeninhand.com/a.beginners.guide.to.spanking
 

Here is a page for Women too:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/05/womans-perspective.html

http://www.takeninhand.com/category/categories/whats.in.it.for.the.woman


For us, I'd have to say that we use a variation of Taken in Hand, TTWD, and DD. I urge anyone interested in this dynamic to just read and talk. Make up your OWN rules and don't just let something else set the standard for how YOUR household could and should work.

I think this is all the beginner stuff for now.

I will keep this blog for updates now and personal writings. I really wanted to have a good base of how we got to where we are for other people interested in this lifestyle.

Also, I may post a book link as well when I get time.

A view and a little more...

This is my final post for the day. I've re read many old journals and why I only posted two real ones, I tried to sum up the rules and put them into one new post because if I put all those journals on here it would be a lot! It did take us quite some time to get into our rules.

I wanted to put in something from Thom, about how he saw things in the beginning too since I only put my own things here:

I think the biggest part for me was just knowing about it at first, getting the idea that people did it, and consented to it. 
The strange part was that once I did know about it, and hear a bit about it from Jason, that I found myself thinking about it. 
It's not only the idea that I would be holding Sunny accountable for her actions, but that I'd have to be working on myself and MY own actions all the time. 
It would really almost force me to take charge of what I needed to do and also help keep her on track at the same time. 
It seemed like I would have to be a constant watch on myself and why I didn't really want to be this big leader of the house kind of thing, I did know I needed to be harder on myself and take more action in things. 

One of the funny things for me was seeing Sunny in a new light too. 
Like I said, after I knew about it, I would see her doing these things, getting mad or frustrated and fussing around at me, slamming a door, or giving me a cold shoulder and I'd actually start to think to myself  "Man she being such a pain!" 
I almost wished I could just give her a few quick little swats to snap her out of her anger and spiteful way, just a little bit. 

I think that one of the turning points was after we had finally broken through the anger, she almost wished I would have stopped her sooner when she couldn't see herself being like that. 

The hardest part would be could "I" act on it and carry it out if it was ever needed. That was the biggest hurdle! I also can't believe just how so many things fell into place after only a short time. I really did struggle with awful thoughts after the first few times, but things seemed to work and I guess I just stopped questioning it.

The one thing to never forget is to not get lax, or fall into old habits. Consistency is important! This is something to keep up on to make it grow into what you need for your relationship.

Little swats? I can now laugh at that because I remember how I did a lot of door slamming and maybe even foot stomping.

The last thing that really sticks with me (as something people question), for people just beginning this, there is always the thought and or talk about sex.

Is spanking sexual?
Yes, it can be for some. It can be very erotic depending on each individual.

Would a husband or wife be excited about it being a sexual experience? Maybe! The thing is, it's different for everyone.

So to new people coming into this, I can say do NOT be surprised if sex become better than ever once you've taken this journey!
Also, if you are into other things, play around with it, you never know where it can lead or if you can bring things into it!

While punishment spankings are not for sex, or supposed to be erotic, a big thing to know and not be ashamed of is that sometimes, sex can be involved in the discipline process.

Now a bit ago I would say that this should never happen, but recently there has been times where Thom has maybe punished me by only giving me 5 swats over his lap, for something small (maybe like forgetting my wallet for the 100th time!) and he's become aroused.

This then led into a confusing awkward moment at first, but we got past it and we just say that it's OK when/or if it happens and we have let it happen resulting in some very good sex!
I'll leave it at that for now!