This was my second Journal, but it spanned over 4 weeks I think. I was not writing as much because life at home was crazy! The kids were much younger then.
Journal 2, 3, 4 whatever
It's been a few weeks and we are at a crossroads again. Arguing and not remembering to treat each other how we agreed on and we both have been slacking! I have actually taken time off because some things have happened and they were BIG things! I can't even get over it still. I feel like I've just been writing in my head and now I can dump it out here.
About our fighting and such,
About our fighting and such,
Thom apparently told his friend over a few beers about us being back at each others throats again. WHY do guys talk? I never though guys TALKED like that. I swear they are really girls sometimes.
Anyways, He tells Thom that it's because we are not using more of the techniques and that some of them, while they seem what I called barbaric and or dominant, are what actually makes things work. Just try something more he says... (Huge eye roll here!)
More what?
We looked into the site more and Thom read a lot. He read more than I did because I was just not as interested. I only read to get answers that I needed to hear.
We looked into the site more and Thom read a lot. He read more than I did because I was just not as interested. I only read to get answers that I needed to hear.
Then we talked.
This is the most important part (from what his friend says.. over and over... that we have to TALK openly and agree before we move on)
Fine... It was starting to irritate me, but I did want a better relationship and I was feeling frustrated more and more and just in my little rut some of the time.
While reading we were getting some of our questions answered. Important questions, like ALL of the ones I had.
One was WHY would a woman submit to her husband.
Well, after reading a few glowing posts from women in these relationships, I was convinced they were brainwashed. ha ha ha!!
Two was HOW come the man doesn't get punishments for when he does wrong.
I learned that from the man having to step up as HOH (head of the household) and that by making a choice to hold his wife accountable for her actions, then he has to try twice as hard to do things right himself to be an example.
-Ok, this actually made some sense to me. By stepping up, the man makes choices and decides to do the right thing in all aspects, even little ones like remembering things, getting stuff done when he says to himself and meeting his own goals... and keeping on himself could be a very hard thing to do! Ok, so sort of an all the time punishment, because he's accountable first!
Three was WHAT kind of man could do this to their wife? He must be a sicko, pervert, and or have issues...
WHAT am I speaking of, well, discipline and by that I mean spanking their wives!
WHAT am I speaking of, well, discipline and by that I mean spanking their wives!
Did I read that correctly? Spanking, like as in beatings, or what?
It sort of reminded me of the old Ricky and Lucy situations she'd get into. I'm pretty sure Ricky had Lucy over his knee a few times on that show!
It sort of reminded me of the old Ricky and Lucy situations she'd get into. I'm pretty sure Ricky had Lucy over his knee a few times on that show!
So, did I read it correctly? YES I did and let me tell you something,
There is NO way someone was going to do that to me.
or
so I thought.
Like I said, it's been a few weeks. I have not written in here for awhile because things have gotten crazy at home and we hit a huge huge turning point, so this is all kind of rushed in here.
What happened is that, we did read a lot about stuff on the site, we also talked to his friend and I was a little bit more willing to listen, especially since his wife offered to talk to me about it too in private.
We had one or two nights of letting things soak in and we finally agreed that we were going to step things up. We made a few more rules and decided that if there ever was a situation arise that would need attending to, then we'd discuss it at that time. Attending to meaning bringing up discipline.
AND, it happened, but not in the way I thought it was going to happen.
How can this happen in just 4 weeks? I don't know but I have to say I'm still in shock over it.
How can this happen in just 4 weeks? I don't know but I have to say I'm still in shock over it.
I can't even believe I'm writing this all out but I want to remember this exactly as it happened since it's a huge part of what I'm feeling right now.
What happened was that I was spanked. Now that looks funny to even type that out!
But it happened and not in the way I thought nor was it like I thought at all.
I've had so many thoughts since it happened that I'm almost sure I've been brainwashed by it.
But it happened and not in the way I thought nor was it like I thought at all.
I've had so many thoughts since it happened that I'm almost sure I've been brainwashed by it.
I'm going to try to remember how it happened exactly.
I will say that while we thought things over originally, and a week or so had gone by, that I was getting myself deeper and deeper into a rut. Just daily life stuff I guess, but a rut none the less.
I will say that while we thought things over originally, and a week or so had gone by, that I was getting myself deeper and deeper into a rut. Just daily life stuff I guess, but a rut none the less.
My rut was beginning to control my life and I think I just couldn't see it.
I am still having issues breastfeeding our youngest, and (as I mentioned many journals ago) we had recently decided to home school our oldest and it's really been wearing on me!
Couple that with the problems that lead me into the affair (many many journals ago) and trying to re connect with Thom, with all my guilt... and I really just was in a rut that I couldn't dig myself out of.
Couple that with the problems that lead me into the affair (many many journals ago) and trying to re connect with Thom, with all my guilt... and I really just was in a rut that I couldn't dig myself out of.
I know Thom could see my rut, and I was not admitting the rut to myself.
Back to how this happened now! One weekend evening, his mom took the girls and we had some alone time. She usually does this every few months and it's nice except that I have to pump so I get worried about the baby taking a bottle for his mom.
After a little while, we had begun to get nit picky with each other and I was more than likely being typical me. We basically fought most of our free time away.
Thom asked me to come and talk with him. I said OK. I went and sat down next to him.
Back to how this happened now! One weekend evening, his mom took the girls and we had some alone time. She usually does this every few months and it's nice except that I have to pump so I get worried about the baby taking a bottle for his mom.
After a little while, we had begun to get nit picky with each other and I was more than likely being typical me. We basically fought most of our free time away.
Thom asked me to come and talk with him. I said OK. I went and sat down next to him.
He then asked if I trusted him.
I said yes, of course.
He then said that we needed to talk about the rut I was in and that he'd like to use talking and discipline
and or, he felt that we should talk over his feelings and a want he had to discipline me.
and or, he felt that we should talk over his feelings and a want he had to discipline me.
WHAT! I was thinking so many things and he probably knew by the look on my face that I was going to freak out and he said
Just listen, do you trust me, really trust me?
Just listen, do you trust me, really trust me?
I said Yes of course, but I was just going nuts about what he meant about discipline! He said we needed to talk about my mind set and what I couldn't see past.
We talked a bit and I finally agreed that I had been a major pain because of something deep inside me, a deep frustration.
Then he sort of pulled on my arm a bit, he asked me again if I trusted him and he looked right into my eyes. I said I did and before I knew it, I wound up over his lap!
I submitted to my husband.
I submitted to my husband.
All I could think about was was I in some weird dream?
This isn't happening and WHY was I doing it?
My first thought was to just jump up, get out of there! run and don't look back.
This isn't happening and WHY was I doing it?
My first thought was to just jump up, get out of there! run and don't look back.
I know he could feel how rigid I was, and he just said Trust me, one more time and then started to lecture me and he sort of dumped out his feelings about me.
He gave me a few quick swats (over my clothes of course), they were not very painful, but they did hurt a little bit.
He then progressed into going a bit harder and finally a few actually made me cry out a bit.
With that he gave me a few more, just as hard, maybe even harder (It was about 15 swats all together maybe?) and I began to sob.
He stopped right there.
He gave me a few quick swats (over my clothes of course), they were not very painful, but they did hurt a little bit.
He then progressed into going a bit harder and finally a few actually made me cry out a bit.
With that he gave me a few more, just as hard, maybe even harder (It was about 15 swats all together maybe?) and I began to sob.
He stopped right there.
He then scooped me into his arms and held me so tight.
Let it all out he told me.. and I did.
I cried like I hadn't cried in about 2 years.
I cried like I hadn't cried in about 2 years.
Everything came out! Everything. The guilt of the affair, the struggle with counseling, the problems at home, breastfeeding, being up at night, home school schedule...... EVERYTHING...
And, at that moment (well maybe a few moments later) I got it. I really, really GOT it.
The discipline was not really discipline.
It was a release that only Thom could give me. A release form guilt, stress, things harbored deep inside.
For some weird sick reason, it just broke me open and I let it all out, more than anything I ever got out of some of the marriage counseling sessions. I felt like I was made to see something. It was all a lot to take in as well. The sting on my bottom, the fact I had been over his knee ( I think humiliation?) and the broken will of feeling submissive to him all played a huge part in opening my eyes. It was something to think about and something of shock value.
He held me for what seemed like forever and we talked about it.
We agreed that this would only be used in rare cases, for unsticking my rut if I ever got into one again and couldn't get myself out of it.
We talked about how hard it was for him to make the decision to do it and how we can help one another change for the better.
He told me that he really wrestled with hurting me and trying this until I broke.
He said he had huge doubts, but was willing to see if trust and taking these steps could in fact help.
We had most of the night to discuss how we'd take this and use it all in our new life.
We agreed that this would only be used in rare cases, for unsticking my rut if I ever got into one again and couldn't get myself out of it.
We talked about how hard it was for him to make the decision to do it and how we can help one another change for the better.
He told me that he really wrestled with hurting me and trying this until I broke.
He said he had huge doubts, but was willing to see if trust and taking these steps could in fact help.
We had most of the night to discuss how we'd take this and use it all in our new life.
We wouldn't be like those people on the website Jay showed us, who spanked for all kinds of small things. We would actually TRY this lifestyle and make up our own rules, and do it OUR way.
And maybe, just maybe it's going to work for us. I'm still not quite over it yet!
*Now that I re read this, I will say that over time, we did get into more of discipline for smaller things.
It really took time to blossom though. I would say it happened over the course of a year.
It's not really that the things were smaller, it's just these things SEEMED small to us because when we first read them and we didn't get how Taken in Hand / DD worked, also we were not at the point these other people were at just yet in our relationship.
Now we use a system of smaller spankings for those "little things" we used to gasp at reading.
Things such as forgetting something for the 100th time will be given a warning as - "Sunny! that's 5 for you!" - meaning, that he's frustrated with something I've done and I'll be getting 5 quick swats for a reminder.
You wouldn't believe how those work! I have not left a starbucks cup in my car for over 3 months now from all the little reminders I've had.
It really took time to blossom though. I would say it happened over the course of a year.
It's not really that the things were smaller, it's just these things SEEMED small to us because when we first read them and we didn't get how Taken in Hand / DD worked, also we were not at the point these other people were at just yet in our relationship.
Now we use a system of smaller spankings for those "little things" we used to gasp at reading.
Things such as forgetting something for the 100th time will be given a warning as - "Sunny! that's 5 for you!" - meaning, that he's frustrated with something I've done and I'll be getting 5 quick swats for a reminder.
You wouldn't believe how those work! I have not left a starbucks cup in my car for over 3 months now from all the little reminders I've had.
